I’ve been putting off doing this post basically since this blog went up, so much so that I basically could have gone my whole life without putting in the effort it took to piece together the contents.
Highschool was a rough period for me, I was clearly unstable and at the time: unmedicated. I had a series of delusions involving being a being of dual natures, one while awake and one while asleep. I thought my sleeping life was the real world, and the waking one a piss poor illusion. It didn’t help that I was constantly having nightmarishly vivid dreams about being trapped in a realm that I could only describe as “hell”. So: while at school instead of forcing myself to interact with others (My social anxiety was so bad I couldn’t have a conversation with any of my peers without breaking a sweat, stuttering, and THEN saying awfully offensive shit) I would burry my head in a series of marble notebooks and sketch pads and draw out the things I saw in my dreams, which I took at the time as visions of another me, living another life, but suffering far worse than me awake.
My current therapist described it perfectly as such, that “I was going through so much pain at the time that I would rather envision myself living in literal hell than deal with the emotional turmoil of my day to day life…”
Today, I did the unthinkable and pulled the battered cardboard box containing those notebooks out, and went through the sketches within for the first time in nearly a decade.
I went through them and will post the ones most pregnant with meaning here, as a testament to the depths that one can descend in their mind…
Looking through these again after so long has given me a great deal of perspective as to how far I’ve come as a person, the morbidity and rage I once held on to so dearly is nearly gone, and now as I am separated from who I once was have actually become a halfway decent human being. I’m going to reiterate: these in now way reflect my current state of mind, but are merely a window into the past, and into my progress as a person! >:]
Thanks for looking!